C’mon, man!
Although 19 is an OK number, I am annoyed that I have to even consider writing that many things that annoy me - or limit myself to only 19 if I discover more than that. So, with that in mind, I will begin in no particular order with number two.
- Children who don’t behave in public. Now, right away you might think that I don’t like kids - and you would be right. But, is it really the little fu**-ers fault that they don’t know how to behave? No, it is the lazy parents out there and you know who you are. Sure, you deserve your time out of the house for a nice meal every now and then. Fine. Take the little booger picker to Chuck-E-Cheese or McDonald’s or some other place so the little snot can hang out with other screamers just like him. The other 25 couples here at the nice adult restaurant want our time out, too. And, we don’t want your kid running around like this is his personal play ground. No, we don’t think it is “cute” how he can climb on the back of the booth and throw sugar packs all the way to my side of the table. You want to know why he is fussy? Probably because it is 9:30 at night and you have him all hyped up on Jelly Beans, Snickers and soda all day and it is his BED TIME – DAMMIT.
- Summer Travelers in airport security. I am excited for you that you and your entire family are on vacation, really. But, can we get a move-on! Did you for one minute think about what you are wearing TO the airport and have to go through security? Nice. I love those nineteen piercings you have in your nose and ears. I have nothing better to do than wait while you remove your nipple piercings under your sweater* so the alarm won’t go off for your third try though the metal detector. If you didn’t look like Rosie O’donnell, I even might have tried to watch - or even offer my assistance in their removal. As it is, I just wish you would introduce yourself to some Ban roll-on. Looks like you missed a spot on that forehead there. You probably bowl overhand. Now, get out of our way. We have work to do. *this actually has happened to me.
- Now, the summer traveler is ON THE PLANE! Argh! Get your fat ass outta the isle and into your row! Gee, that 30” bag with wheels really won’t fit in the overhead? No, say it ain’t so. Maybe if you just stick it part way in, the flight attendant might fix it for your lazy ass! What, you say? American Airlines doesn’t have diapers for your spawn’s smelly butt? Yes, you ARE supposed to bring something, anything to keep that brat occupied while we fly all the way to
- Dude! Can you put those shoes back on!!? Whoa!-Holly Smolly! Those feet stink so bad you could peel the paint right off the wall – I mean my eyes are burning here! And, buy your OWN paper. They are only $.75 at the same place you bought those damn corn-nuts that people can smell up nine rows ahead of us.
- Showers are FREE at the hotel. You might try it out next time before you put on that nice undershirt with no sleeves – I like that underarm hair, too. Have you considered having it braided? You could do like Bo Derek in “!0” with that hair. The short-shorts almost hold in that moose knuckle, lady. Good God! The Disney property has a mirror somewhere I am sure! Introduce yourself next time to that vision before you leave for the airport, please. I won’t be able to get that thought outta my head for days.
- HANG UP AND DRIVE! This is simple. Why does NO ONE answer their home phones, have caller I.D. so they know who is calling, but has zero problem picking up their cell phone before the A/C has even kicked in the first mile of the trip to the super-market? “What are you doing?” “Nothing, what are you doing?” “Nothing?” “Want to do something later?” “I dunno, do you?” Aaack! Hang up, and move out of the left lane going 50 MPH in the 65 MPH zone!
- Hey, lady will you get the coupons out of your purse BEFORE the checker has finished ringing up your items? I have nothing better to do than watch you dig through 55 coupons for tampons, and other feminine products which is obvious that you need right now. And, you could have pulled out that check book, too and have the name of the store filled in, at least. Why are you still writing checks? This is 2009! Ever heard of a check card?
- Can you count to 10? The express lines have this BIG sign that says “10 items or less.” No, five boxes of the same panty liner doesn’t count as ONE item. I don’t care if they do have “wings.” And, if I do offer to let you ahead of me, “thank you” is appreciated.
- “Here you go” isn’t the response I am looking for after I give you my money at the register! Have you been to ANY training? “Thank you sir, please come again” is what I expect to hear. And don’t tell me, “no problem,“ either. Of course it is no problem. I am the CUSTOMER.
- Ladies, learn how to work the toilet seat. If it is up, put it down. Try it. It is easy. I mean, we figured out how to put it UP a long time ago. Not that it matters to us one way or the other. You know, we could just leave it down. Your choice.
- The dishes go in the side of the sink that the disposal is NOT. How do you expect US to help around here if you put stuff in the wrong side of the sink? And, put the pointy end of the knives and forks face down! If I get injured just helping unload the dishwasher, I might get discouraged from helping in the future.
- Ladies, just tell us what you want us to do! I mean, you really expect us to just KNOW that the carpets “need” to be vacuumed, like, right now during the ball game? Write it down. Put it on a list. That way, when I try to help out around here, I can actually feel manly by killing something off the list. We like accomplishment! Knocking off a list makes us feel good. So, help us out. And, yes – we DO expect you to act like we just found a cure for the common cold when we do something without being told! You know, something like “Wow, honey, you did a GREAT job of folding my panties.”
- Learn how to use your turn signal. Here I am waiting to turn right while you are heading my way in the right lane and then you just turn in front of me with no signal. Damn! I could have gone already by the time you farted around not turning on your signal!
- Why can’t I have breakfast after 10:30 am? What, you run out of Egg McCholesteral and those square potatoes exactly at 10:30 in the morning?
- Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to get paid? I mean if it wasn’t for lawyers – you wouldn’t need one.
- Hey, Jim Adler: Can you stop yelling at me on TV? I don’t care if you are the Texas Hammer – just shut the Hell up. Do ANY of your clients have all their teeth?
- Stop yelling at me, part II: Hey, Billy Mays: You can stick a sock in it, too! Like I’m going to buy health insurance from the same guy who has the only product in the world to GLUE my pants back together when my butt pops out after I finally talk the pimple faced kid into selling me a breakfast sandwich at noon. And if that old broad yells, “BINGO” one more time, I’m going to find that blue haired ol’ winch and make her suck down a whole bottle of fiber right now. She won’t get off the toilet for a week!
- They are CHRISTMAS TREES! Not holiday trees, holiday cards, holiday decorations, and any other politically correct horsesqueeze! I mean, the late JC is pissed.
- All Credit applications accepted! Duh!! It is an APPLICATION! That doesn’t mean you get a loan with that credit score of 550, jackass. Gosh, you mean that time I just moved out of the apartment and didn’t pay my $1200.00 in rent for two months – moved out with NO notice and my kids tore down the walls really matters in the future? Gee, I just thought that the Gov-Mint would give me the money anyway. I want free rent, food, gas just like B.O. promised!! It is only FAIR. WAHHH!! I want my fair share…(insert finger to vomit, here.)
- Why are mattresses on sale EVERY WEEK OF THE YEAR? “It is our Christmas in the summer sale.” The lowest prices of the season. Yeah? What season? President’s Day, 4th of July
- Why don’t you golfers show a little more respect for the course? What, you can’t bend down and fix your divot mark? You think as bad as your game has been all day, and that this is the first green you actually landed on that you would make a point to fix it so everyone else can see! Hey, you! Up there in the group ahead of me? Can you hurry the F---up? Five hours of my life watching your group putt out every-single-two-footer is killing us here! My wife has a LIST of stuff for me to do sometime today! Pick up your feet! The way you are scuffing up the green with your spike marks it looks like you have been square dancing with the fat-version of Oprah!
- Bicycle riders who do not obey the traffic laws. So, you flip ME off because I get too close to you on the road built for cars, but then it is OK for you to blast through the RED light up ahead? I also appreciate it when you get a group together and the four of you ride side-by-side during rush hour traffic on a two lane road. No wonder we have road rage. (Sorry Shann – that is probably why you had to have first aid during your last ride.)
- Hotel movies are ten bucks? Geez, I only need to watch about 12 minutes of the movie….think they would at least pro-rate the charge for me.
- Tell your doctor if you have an Ere----n for more than four hours. Dang! If that happens to me, I’m not telling my doctor - I’m telling EVERYBODY. I don’t know which I dislike more; ads for “that” problem or the one where the guys have so much fun going to the bathroom on their road trip. And, what is up with the TWO bathtubs? You want to get back in the game? Well, you can start by getting her in YOUR tub, mister. I am jealous of the guys who have a prescription for “daily use.”
- You Aggies need to sit down when you come to our stadium! Face it; your team is SO bad lately you might not kiss your girl for weeks.
- I thought Alec Baldwin and Susan Sarandon were moving. What are they waiting on?
- 39 needs more respect on Facebook. Maybe the next list can help 39 out.
I feel better now. Enjoy your day.
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