I spent a lot of my life acting like the only thing that mattered was what was going on in my life and what I was going to do about it. Sometimes I am sure that I still do that, but I am sure trying to get over myself.A while back I wrote about things I had done to “make her mad.”There were a lot of things that I wrote about, while some other things I had done didn’t make the list.But, I had an email from an interested party asking me to write about some things I have done to “make her smile.”So, to risk some personal embarrassment on my part and some boredom on yours here are a couple of things that come to mind.
My grandmother used to tell me that I cried every day for two years after I was born-she was convinced that I was Satan’s spawn, and the absolute worst baby ever.I don’t remember what all the fuss was about – but I am sure that I was perfectly happy before that Doctor cut my Mom open and dragged me out of that warm, happy place by my forehead and introduced me to the world with a firm slap on my bottom.But, I know that on that special day-my Mom smiled.
My dad’s mother, Nannie we called her, was as friendly as a one could imagine if you lived with a water well in the living room and had to go outside to use the bathroom.Pictures of me as an infant are even scary for me to look at.I mean I looked like a space alien, all pink and wrinkled.I bet Nannie used to make me sleep with a mirror just to watch me cry. I was born all of five pounds and went right back to the incubator after losing a half pound.My dad used to explain to his friends about my weight loss being due to them having me circumcised.Well, it is funny when he tells the story – and that makes my mom smile some, too.
My Nannie’s funeral was the first one I ever remember going to.I don’t remember ever seeing her smile.But, I bet that she did smile when my folks came back to her house and picked me up for the night, with all that crying going on, and all.I guess that that will have to be good enough for me to remember about her.
Since it was all about me until just a few years ago I don’t remember a lot about “doing what’s right” but I’m sure that I didn’t go to jail or get any girl pregnant.I bet that made both my parents smile back then.
Some things you have to learn on your own.Some things you learn by watching other people do it first, even if that observation teaches you what NOT to do – like that time a friend of mine was determined to get him some new shades at the mall with the five-finger discount.I said that I thought that was a bad idea and that I would just wait for him in the car.After about two hours, I figured that he wasn’t getting his ride home from me that day.Sure enough, his ride came from his mom after going to meet him at the Houston police department.Not many people smiled that day, I can tell you that.One of those things that goes on “your permanent record,” I suppose.
Last year when gas prices were so high I was driving home from playing golf at some country club, feeling good about the day.I stopped just inside the Denton county line and was filling my car up.Sure, I check the prices but it isn’t like I’m not going to eat if I fill-er up.As I was watching the dollars on the pump go past $40.00 and not slowing down, an old beater pulls in next to me at the pumps.I watch as “mom” argues with the ungrateful teenage girl about wanting a soda and some snacks while mom digs in her purse for the credit card.I couldn’t help but hear her curse under her breath at the machine because it wouldn’t start working.I asked if she needed a hand and told her to go on inside and get her snacks while I gave it a try.Well, the machine wasn’t going to work for her today, since the machine had declined her credit card.So, while she was inside I put my card in there and got the machine going for her.The ungrateful teenage girl saw what I was doing with my card and just watched without saying a word as I watched her watch me.Mom came out and smiled since I got it going for her and as I put the pump back in the machine, she thanked me for helping.I am sure that after the daughter got her drink down the road a bit, she may have told mom that I paid, but I do remember that poor woman’s smile as I drove away.I sure hope her daughter doesn’t get pregnant soon.Mom has enough to worry about already.
Earlier this year while driving from Ashville, North Carolina to Charlotte I am searching for the Cracker Barrel restaurant to get me some chicken and dumplin’s – my favorite meal of all time.Now, I’m sure that most of you have been to a Cracker Barrel; half store and half restaurant.Great place to snag some “home cooking” while on the road.I’m not talking about diet food here, the good stuff with gravy, rolls and corn bread!This particular day had the place packed as usual with the normal crowd of over-fed locals, and the charter-bus cue-tip-blue-haired crowd on the way south to the river boat casinos.Sitting next to me is an old black man with his WWII Veteran’s hat on, and across from him at another table was one of the Bingo ladies that you could have living on your block.Both, eating alone at different tables.Now, I don’t mind eating alone as I do it all the time when I’m on the road. But, you could see that these nice old folks ate alone because their life’s partner was waiting for them to join them in Heaven.Luck turns out that my waitress was also serving both their tables so I told her that I wanted her to bring their checks to me and to take them both a slice of the fresh apple cobbler and put some ice cream on it, too!I made sure to pay their checks before they had finished eating their meals because these are the kind of folks “that ain’t taking no charity.”I let myself really enjoy my dumplins that day, even if they did cost me about $40.00.I know that as I drove away and as each of them left, they would have a little more pep in their ol’ legs and maybe, just maybe a smile on their face, too.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The 2009 Grapevine Elk's Lodge Officers were installed on Saturday, March 28th at the Grapevine Elk's Lodge. Dinner was served to about 80 people and after the installation ceremony the group partied with family and friends until the early morning hours to a great band!
It isn't just me asking you - it's the LAW here in Texas! The left lane is for passing.
Didn't your mommy tell you it's nice to share? The left lane is for everyone, not just those who get in it first. I know that you like setting your cruise control at five miles as hour below the speed limit so you won't get a ticket, and I'm cool with that. Just MOVE OVER, dammit! Some of us out here sharing the road with you actually have somewhere to be and want to get there as quickly and safely as possible. You are in our way.
Some of you, I know can't help it - you are driving as fast as you can see. I know this because of the white or blue hair you have. It looks like I'm following a cue tip. It must scare the Hell outta you when you see someone right behind you, right? So, move to your right and continue creeping along at 57 MPH in the 70 MPH zone all day and night if you like. We all want you to get to that bingo game in one piece. Good luck, as a matter of fact. I hope you do win that jar of peanut butter at the Moose Lodge.
Others of you act like you are the self-imposed-speed-police. "The speed limit is 60 MPH, so I'm going to go 60 MPH in the left lane all the way to Kansas City! Yes, there is an 18 wheeler right next to me for 37 miles and that way you can't get around us, either. We can all go 60 MPH to Kansas City, thank you." You are the person who causes the road rage because you actually do this on purpose - as your sense of duty as the highway-speed limit-police! People that have to pass you on the right aren't just waving with one finger, OK? Move it, mister!
And, the other group is our F.L.I.'s. That would be the Fu--ing Local Immigrants. This group of people is also doing the best they can, considering this is the first time they are driving anything other than a donkey. They must drive between 40 and 50 MPH on ALL highways, regardless of where they are. Everyone knows they don't have a driver's license or insurance so they poke along and hope not to run into anyone. You know this group because they all drive the 1980 model import that has blue smoke coming out of where the muffler used to be. This person will never move over becuase they don't know they should. You are best to just go around them as soon as you can see past the blue smoke.
First LadyMichelle Obama showed up Thursday as a surprise and welcome volunteer at Miriam's Kitchen, a soup kitchen for homeless poor people not far from the White House.
Can't afford to buy food - not when you have to pay for the new cell phone with camera.....looks like the Blackberry Pearl!
Although 19 is an OK number, I am annoyed that I have to even consider writing that many things that annoy me - or limit myself to only 19 if I discover more than that.So, with that in mind, I will begin in no particular order with number two.
Children who don’t behave in public.Now, right away you might think that I don’t like kids - and you would be right.But, is it really the little fu**-ers fault that they don’t know how to behave?No, it is the lazy parents out there and you know who you are.Sure, you deserve your time out of the house for a nice meal every now and then.Fine.Take the little booger picker to Chuck-E-Cheese or McDonald’s or some other place so the little snot can hang out with other screamers just like him.The other 25 couples here at the nice adult restaurant want our time out, too.And, we don’t want your kid running around like this is his personal play ground.No, we don’t think it is “cute” how he can climb on the back of the booth and throw sugar packs all the way to my side of the table.You want to know why he is fussy?Probably because it is 9:30 at night and you have him all hyped up on Jelly Beans, Snickers and soda all day and it is his BED TIME – DAMMIT.
Summer Travelers in airport security. I am excited for you that you and your entire family are on vacation, really.But, can we get a move-on!Did you for one minute think about what you are wearing TO the airport and have to go through security?Nice.I love those nineteen piercings you have in your nose and ears.I have nothing better to do than wait while you remove your nipple piercings under your sweater* so the alarm won’t go off for your third try though the metal detector.If you didn’t look like Rosie O’donnell, I even might have tried to watch - or even offer my assistance in their removal.As it is, I just wish you would introduce yourself to some Ban roll-on.Looks like you missed a spot on that forehead there.You probably bowl overhand.Now, get out of our way.We have work to do.*this actually has happened to me.
Now, the summer traveler is ON THE PLANE!Argh!Get your fat ass outta the isle and into your row!Gee, that 30” bag with wheels really won’t fit in the overhead?No, say it ain’t so.Maybe if you just stick it part way in, the flight attendant might fix it for your lazy ass!What, you say?American Airlines doesn’t have diapers for your spawn’s smelly butt?Yes, you ARE supposed to bring something, anything to keep that brat occupied while we fly all the way to Portland, Oregon.Sorry, I can’t help but get pissed off while you do NOTHING as the apple of your eye kicks the back of my seat for the 96th time in the last half hour.Here, please give him MY vodka.Just have her stop saying, “Momma, Momma, Momma….MOOOMMMAAAAA!”WHAT!!?“No the nice man doesn’t want to play with your cheese doodles, and get them off of his computer, little darling.”
Dude!Can you put those shoes back on!!?Whoa!-Holly Smolly!Those feet stink so bad you could peel the paint right off the wall – I mean my eyes are burning here!And, buy your OWN paper.They are only $.75 at the same place you bought those damn corn-nuts that people can smell up nine rows ahead of us.
Showers are FREE at the hotel.You might try it out next time before you put on that nice undershirt with no sleeves – I like that underarm hair, too.Have you considered having it braided?You could do like Bo Derek in “!0” with that hair.The short-shorts almost hold in that moose knuckle, lady.Good God!The Disney property has a mirror somewhere I am sure!Introduce yourself next time to that vision before you leave for the airport, please.I won’t be able to get that thought outta my head for days.
HANG UP AND DRIVE!This is simple.Why does NO ONE answer their home phones, have caller I.D. so they know who is calling, but has zero problem picking up their cell phone before the A/C has even kicked in the first mile of the trip to the super-market?“What are you doing?”“Nothing, what are you doing?”“Nothing?”“Want to do something later?”“I dunno, do you?”Aaack!Hang up, and move out of the left lane going 50 MPH in the 65 MPH zone!
Hey, lady will you get the coupons out of your purse BEFORE the checker has finished ringing up your items?I have nothing better to do than watch you dig through 55 coupons for tampons, and other feminine products which is obvious that you need right now.And, you could have pulled out that check book, too and have the name of the store filled in, at least.Why are you still writing checks?This is 2009!Ever heard of a check card?
Can you count to 10?The express lines have this BIG sign that says “10 items or less.”No, five boxes of the same panty liner doesn’t count as ONE item.I don’t care if they do have “wings.”And, if I do offer to let you ahead of me, “thank you” is appreciated.
“Here you go” isn’t the response I am looking for after I give you my money at the register!Have you been to ANY training?“Thank you sir, please come again” is what I expect to hear.And don’t tell me, “no problem,“ either.Of course it is no problem.I am the CUSTOMER.
Ladies, learn how to work the toilet seat.If it is up, put it down.Try it.It is easy.I mean, we figured out how to put it UP a long time ago.Not that it matters to us one way or the other.You know, we could just leave it down.Your choice.
The dishes go in the side of the sink that the disposal is NOT.How do you expect US to help around here if you put stuff in the wrong side of the sink?And, put the pointy end of the knives and forks face down!If I get injured just helping unload the dishwasher, I might get discouraged from helping in the future.
Ladies, just tell us what you want us to do!I mean, you really expect us to just KNOW that the carpets “need” to be vacuumed, like, right now during the ball game?Write it down.Put it on a list.That way, when I try to help out around here, I can actually feel manly by killing something off the list.We like accomplishment!Knocking off a list makes us feel good.So, help us out.And, yes – we DO expect you to act like we just found a cure for the common cold when we do something without being told!You know, something like “Wow, honey, you did a GREAT job of folding my panties.”
Learn how to use your turn signal.Here I am waiting to turn right while you are heading my way in the right lane and then you just turn in front of me with no signal.Damn!I could have gone already by the time you farted around not turning on your signal!
Why can’t I have breakfast after 10:30 am?What, you run out of Egg McCholesteral and those square potatoes exactly at 10:30 in the morning?
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to get paid?I mean if it wasn’t for lawyers – you wouldn’t need one.
Hey, Jim Adler:Can you stop yelling at me on TV?I don’t care if you are the Texas Hammer – just shut the Hell up.Do ANY of your clients have all their teeth?
Stop yelling at me, part II:Hey, Billy Mays:You can stick a sock in it, too!Like I’m going to buy health insurance from the same guy who has the only product in the world to GLUE my pants back together when my butt pops out after I finally talk the pimple faced kid into selling me a breakfast sandwich at noon.And if that old broad yells, “BINGO” one more time, I’m going to find that blue haired ol’ winch and make her suck down a whole bottle of fiber right now.She won’t get off the toilet for a week!
They are CHRISTMAS TREES!Not holiday trees, holiday cards, holiday decorations, and any other politically correct horsesqueeze!I mean, the late JC is pissed.
All Credit applications accepted!Duh!! It is an APPLICATION! That doesn’t mean you get a loan with that credit score of 550, jackass.Gosh, you mean that time I just moved out of the apartment and didn’t pay my $1200.00 in rent for two months – moved out with NO notice and my kids tore down the walls really matters in the future?Gee, I just thought that the Gov-Mint would give me the money anyway.I want free rent, food, gas just like B.O. promised!!It is only FAIR.WAHHH!!I want my fair share…(insert finger to vomit, here.)
Why are mattresses on sale EVERY WEEK OF THE YEAR?“It is our Christmas in the summer sale.” The lowest prices of the season.Yeah?What season?President’s Day, 4th of July Sale, Labor Day sale, Little Johnny just took his first poop in the toilet sale!That is my favorite one.
Why don’t you golfers show a little more respect for the course?What, you can’t bend down and fix your divot mark?You think as bad as your game has been all day, and that this is the first green you actually landed on that you would make a point to fix it so everyone else can see!Hey, you!Up there in the group ahead of me?Can you hurry the F---up?Five hours of my life watching your group putt out every-single-two-footer is killing us here!My wife has a LIST of stuff for me to do sometime today!Pick up your feet!The way you are scuffing up the green with your spike marks it looks like you have been square dancing with the fat-version of Oprah!
Bicycle riders who do not obey the traffic laws.So, you flip ME off because I get too close to you on the road built for cars, but then it is OK for you to blast through the RED light up ahead?I also appreciate it when you get a group together and the four of you ride side-by-side during rush hour traffic on a two lane road.No wonder we have road rage. (Sorry Shann – that is probably why you had to have first aid during your last ride.)
Hotel movies are ten bucks?Geez, I only need to watch about 12 minutes of the movie….think they would at least pro-rate the charge for me.
Tell your doctor if you have an Ere----n for more than four hours.Dang!If that happens to me, I’m not telling my doctor - I’m telling EVERYBODY.I don’t know which I dislike more; ads for “that” problem or the one where the guys have so much fun going to the bathroom on their road trip.And, what is up with the TWO bathtubs?You want to get back in the game?Well, you can start by getting her in YOUR tub, mister.I am jealous of the guys who have a prescription for “daily use.”
You Aggies need to sit down when you come to our stadium!Face it; your team is SO bad lately you might not kiss your girl for weeks.
I thought Alec Baldwin and Susan Sarandon were moving.What are they waiting on?
39 needs more respect on Facebook.Maybe the next list can help 39 out.
